memory believes before knowing remembers believes longer than recollects longer than knowing even wonders
why was this so hard the first time? and why did I want to leave a place where I got to study this for a semester and sneak away to steal honeysuckle and “write a short story” in the parking lot? also, “Yadkin” sounds too much like “Yoknapatawpha” to not write about y’all
have you ever just felt really detached from everything? like you are standing still and everything is just happening around you and you have no connection to it?
my uncle died about a week ago. i feel sad i guess, but i feel weird for not feeling more. i feel weird for not knowing him well. my brother told me that it is because we grew up in a different country, but it still makes me feel strange. idk
one of my goats died about a week ago too, and i didnt cry. i didnt even flinch really. i felt bad, but mostly for the way my mom was feeling. i used to cry my eyes out whenever we sold a goat. i used to cry my eyes out when one of them shivered from the cold.
i never spend any time at home, even when i’m at home. even when i am in my house, im sitting in my room, alone. i am so detached from the people that love me the most, and i dont know why.
“oh well it doesn’t bother me. well. … i guess that’s not really true. it does sometimes. see, i sometimes feel.. well, there was this one time, and i was in a hurry and i was thinkin about something else? and i accidently put the wrong shoes on the wrong feet. walkin to school i kept feelin like something was just not quite right but i couldnt for the life of me figure out what it was. it took me most of the day before i finally looked down and saw what everyone else had been laughin at…… well that’s what i feel like. like there’s.. somethin about me, and if i could only figure out what it was, i wouldnt feel so left out of the joke.”—
Lonny- Battle of Shallowford by Ed Simpson (via likeagui6)
it was weird…when i was reading this, it was like i was hearing guido say it. i really liked that play.
do you know who taught me about Confucious? he did. do you know who told me i needed to buy this computer? he did. do you know who told me girls look cute in glasses? he did. do you know who used to play john mayer to me? he did. do you know who learnt how to play silent night just for me? he did. do you know who i had so many firsts with? him. he, him, that guy, whatever.
i need a new he already, minus the whole….breaking heart….then shunning thing. yeah….not going through that again.
im not broken anymore, im fine. im just….here. doing my thing. and that’s cool. i dont need to have whatever everyone wants surrounding me…because right now is about me, not my family, not my friends. it’s about me. it’s about building my creativity, building my aesthetic, widening my mind, and just SEEING. i want to see the world. i want to see people. i want to just go crazy and not care. im on my way. im free.
worrying is not what this time in our lives is about. it’s about exploring. forget the shit. explore the new. growing isnt scary, it’s fun.
"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."
"Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."
"My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
being alone really isnt so bad. sometimes i waste my alone time wanting to be with people, but others i just enjoy the breath of fresh air it brings. it’s okay to be alone, because i know when i need people they are there. don’t get me wrong, pushing people away isn’t the answer, but taking time for yourself is.
alone on the balcony i realize some of the things that really change the way i see things. sometimes it makes me see clearer i guess. it takes the worry away. worrying about stuff is all well and good, and shows you care and whatnot…but sometimes it is better just to not think at all, to not try to do anything. don’t try to be a good friend. don’t try to be a good person, just let things flow. don’t think about problems. don’t think about anything. enjoy the moment you are in. stressing over things is not worth it 90% of the time. over thinking things is just a waste of time.
im not saying don’t care, im saying put yourself first. put your thoughts first, and let go.