Blaze

clayour:

memory believes before knowing remembers believes longer than recollects longer than knowing even wonders

why was this so hard the first time? and why did I want to leave a place where I got to study this for a semester and sneak away to steal honeysuckle and “write a short story” in the parking lot? also, “Yadkin” sounds too much like “Yoknapatawpha” to not write about y’all

“Seven Blunders of the World”


1. Wealth without work

2. Pleasure without conscience

3. Knowledge without character

4. Commerce without morality

5. Science without humanity

6. Worship without sacrifice

7. Politics without principle


—Mahatma Gandhi

even though i should hate you, even though you hate me, even though i said goodbye for both of our sake, i miss you.

have you ever just felt really detached from everything? like you are standing still and everything is just happening around you and you have no connection to it?

my uncle died about a week ago.  i feel sad i guess, but i feel weird for not feeling more.  i feel weird for not knowing him well.  my brother told me that it is because we grew up in a different country, but it still makes me feel strange. idk

one of my goats died about a week ago too, and i didnt cry.  i didnt even flinch really.  i felt bad, but mostly for the way my mom was feeling.  i used to cry my eyes out whenever we sold a goat.  i used to cry my eyes out when one of them shivered from the cold. 

i never spend any time at home, even when i’m at home.  even when i am in my house, im sitting in my room, alone.  i am so detached from the people that love me the most, and i dont know why.

do you know who taught me about Confucious? he did.  do you know who told me i needed to buy this computer? he did.  do you know who told me girls look cute in glasses? he did.  do you know who used to play john mayer to me? he did.  do you know who learnt how to play silent night just for me? he did.  do you know who i had so many firsts with? him. he, him, that guy, whatever.

i need a new he already, minus the whole….breaking heart….then shunning thing.  yeah….not going through that again.

im not broken anymore, im fine. im just….here.  doing my thing.  and that’s cool.  i dont need to have whatever everyone wants surrounding me…because right now is about me, not my family, not my friends.  it’s about me.  it’s about building my creativity, building my aesthetic, widening my mind, and just SEEING.  i want to see the world.  i want to see people.  i want to just go crazy and not care.  im on my way.  im free.

worrying is not what this time in our lives is about.  it’s about exploring.  forget the shit. explore the new. growing isnt scary, it’s fun.

i seriously recommend “exit through the gift shop” to anyone interested in art, especially street art.  banksy is changing the world and his perspective is as intriguing as ever.

Xander- you’ve been to paris once right?

Me- yeah but it was a shitty trip.

Xander- You’re face is a shitty trip. I’m not joking, in fact im completely seriours.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

“Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind.”

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”

“My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.”

“The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed.”

things that have changed about me in the past year:

my hair is short/shaved in part.

i have feathers in my hair.

2 new piercings.

15 more pounds.

being popular and noticed for being pretty and rich or whatever has become even less important to me.

i have learnt to embrace my weirdness even more.

i am more independent.

life is a little more scary.

i play violin a lot less, sadly.

nyc is added to my list of places that feel like home.

i have a lot more knowledge of art, and whatever else i like to learn about.

i dont really wear rings anymore.

i dont have any sort of crush or love interest.

i dont talk to someone i used to love.

i learnt to save money.

being alone really isnt so bad.  sometimes i waste my alone time wanting to be with people, but others i just enjoy the breath of fresh air it brings.  it’s okay to be alone, because i know when i need people they are there.  don’t get me wrong, pushing people away isn’t the answer, but taking time for yourself is. 

alone on the balcony i realize some of the things that really change the way i see things.  sometimes it makes me see clearer i guess.  it takes the worry away.  worrying about stuff is all well and good, and shows you care and whatnot…but sometimes it is better just to not think at all, to not try to do anything.  don’t try to be a good friend.  don’t try to be a good person, just let things flow.  don’t think about problems.  don’t think about anything.  enjoy the moment you are in.  stressing over things is not worth it 90% of the time.  over thinking things is just a waste of time.

im not saying don’t care, im saying put yourself first.  put your thoughts first, and let go.

it’s days like today that i need my mom,

it’s days like today that i need my best friend,

it’s days like today that i need chocolate,

it’s days like today that make tomorrow better.